Funny Guardians of the Galaxy Quotes
[Groot grows a cocoon of branches to cover his friends]
Rocket Raccoon: No, Groot! You can't! You'll die! Why are you doing this? Why?
[Groot uses a thin branch to wipe away Rocket's tears]
Groot: We are Groot.
Groot: I am Groot.
Peter Quill: Well that's just as fascinating as the first 89 times you told me that. What is wrong with Giving Tree here?
Rocket Raccoon: Well he don't know talkin' good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "am" and "Groot," exclusively in that order.
Peter Quill: Well I tell you what, that's gonna wear real thin, real fast, bud.
Rocket Raccoon: But Quill, beating Ronan... it can't be done. You're asking us to die.
Peter Quill: Yeah... I guess I am.
[pause]
Gamora: [stands up] Quill, I have lived most of my life surrounded my enemies. I will be grateful to die among my friends.
Drax the Destroyer: [stands up] You're an honorable man, Quill. I will fight beside you. And in the end, I will see my wife and daughter.
Groot: [stands up] I am Groot.
Rocket Raccoon: Aww, what the hell, I don't got that long a lifespan anyway...
[stands up]
Rocket Raccoon: Well now I'm standing. Happy? We're all standing now. Bunch of jackasses, standing in a circle.
[repeated line]
Groot: I am Groot.
Peter Quill: I have a plan.
Rocket Raccoon: You've got a plan? Okay, first of all, you're copying me from when I said I had a plan.
Peter Quill: I'm not copying you, I have a plan, that's not that unique of a thing to say.
Rocket Raccoon: And secondly, I don't think you even have a plan.
Peter Quill: I have part of a plan.
Drax the Destroyer: What percentage of a plan do you have?
Gamora: You don't get to ask questions after the nonsense you pulled on Knowhere!
Drax the Destroyer: I just saved Quill!
Peter Quill: We've already established that you destroying the ship I'm on is not saving me!
Drax the Destroyer: When did we establish that?
Peter Quill: Like three seconds ago!
Drax the Destroyer: Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking of something else...
Rocket Raccoon: She's right, you don't get an opinion... What percentage?
Peter Quill: I dunno... Twelve percent?
Rocket Raccoon: Twelve percent?
[starts laughing]
Peter Quill: That's a fake laugh.
Rocket Raccoon: It's real!
Peter Quill: Totally fake!
Rocket Raccoon: That is the most real, authentic, hysterical laugh of my entire life because THAT IS NOT A PLAN!
Gamora: It's barely a concept.
Peter Quill: [to Gamora] You're taking their side?
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket Raccoon: So what, "It's better than eleven percent!" What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Peter Quill: [to Groot] Thank you Groot, thank you. See? Groot's the only one of you who has a clue.
Groot: [Groot begins to chew on a leaf protruding from his shoulder]
Gamora: I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy.
Gamora: I'm a warrior, an assassin. I don't dance.
Peter Quill: Really? Well, on my planet, we have a legend about people like you. It's called Footloose. And in it, a great hero, named Kevin Bacon, teaches an entire city full of people with sticks up their butts that, dancing, well, is the greatest thing there is.
Gamora: ...Who put the sticks up their butts?
Rocket Raccoon: If we're gonna get outta here, we gonna need to get into that watch tower, and to do that, I'm gonna need a few things. The guards wear security bands to control their ins and outs. I need one.
Gamora: Leave it to me.
Rocket Raccoon: That dude there. I need his prosthetic leg.
Peter Quill: His leg?
Rocket Raccoon: Yeah. God knows I don't need the rest of him. Look at him. He's useless.
Peter Quill: ...All right.
Rocket Raccoon: And finally, on the wall back there is a black panel. Blinky yellow light. You see it?
Peter Quill: Yeah.
Rocket Raccoon: There's a quarnex battery behind it. Purplish box. Green wires. To get into that watch tower, I definitely need it.
Gamora: How are we supposed to do that?
Rocket Raccoon: Well, supposedly, these bald bodies find you attractive, so maybe you could work out some sort of trade.
[Groot starts walking toward the panel]
Gamora: You must be joking.
Rocket Raccoon: No, I really heard they find you attractive.
Peter Quill: Look. It's 20 feet up in the air and it's in the middle of the most heavily guarded part of the prison. It's impossible to get up there without being seen.
Rocket Raccoon: I got one plan, and that plan requires this frickin' quarnex battery, so FIGURE IT OUT!
[Groot removes the panel, which hits a passing inmate on the head and knocks him out]
Rocket Raccoon: Can I get back to it? Thanks.
[Drax spots Groot trying to remove the battery]
Rocket Raccoon: Now, this is important. Once the battery is removed, everything is gonna slam into emergency mode. Once we have it, we gotta move quickly, so you definitely need to get that last.
[Groot removes the battery, setting off the alarms]
Rocket Raccoon: Or we could just get it first and improvise.
Gamora: I'll get the armband.
Peter Quill: Leg.
Peter Quill: [talks with the rest of the Guardians in private when they are all in doubt] When I look around, you know what I see? Losers.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter Quill: I mean like, folks who have lost stuff. And we have, man, we have, all of us. Homes, and our families, normal lives. And you think life takes more than it gives, but not today. Today it's giving us something. It is giving us a chance.
Rocket Raccoon: To do what?
Peter Quill: To give a shit. And I am not gonna stand by and watch as billions of lives are being wiped out.
Denarian Saal: Peter Quill, this is Denarian Saal. For the record, I advised them against trusting you.
Peter Quill: [to Gamora] They got my dick message.
Denarian Saal: Prove me wrong!
Gamora: I know who you are, Peter Quill, and I am not some starry-eyed waif here to succumb to your... your pelvic sorcery!
Rocket Raccoon: That's for if things get really hardcore. Or if you wanna blow up moons.
Gamora: No one's blowing up moons.
Rocket Raccoon: You just wanna suck the joy out of everything.
Gamora: We're just like Kevin Bacon.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket Raccoon: Asleep for the danger, awake for the money, as per frickin' usual.
Peter Quill: [about Gamora] She betrayed Ronan, he's coming for her. That's when you...
[draws his finger across his throat in a cutthroat gesture]
Drax the Destroyer: ...Why would I want to put my finger on his throat?
Peter Quill: No, that's the symbol for slicing his throat.
Drax the Destroyer: I would not slice his throat, I would cut his head clean off.
Peter Quill: It's a general expression for you killing somebody. You've heard of this. You've seen this, right? You know what that is.
Drax the Destroyer: [lets Star-Lord into the Milano] This one shows spirit. He shall make a keen ally in the battle against Ronan. Companion, what were you retrieving?
[Star-Lord hands him his stereo-player]
Drax the Destroyer: You're an imbecile.
[last lines]
Peter Quill: What should we do next: Something good, something bad? Bit of both?
Gamora: We'll follow your lead, Star-Lord.
Peter Quill: A bit of both!
Rocket Raccoon: What did the galaxy ever do for you? Why would you want to save it?
Peter Quill: Because I'm one of the idiots who lives in it!
[Quill struggles to control the Infinity stone]
Gamora: Peter, take my hand!
[Quill grabs her hand, and Drax and Rocket do the same]
Ronan: You're mortal! How...
Peter Quill: You said it yourself, bitch. We're the Guardians of the Galaxy.
[the Guardians strike Ronan]
Gamora: And Quill, your ship is filthy.
Gamora: [She walks away]
Peter Quill: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Rocket Raccoon: You got issues, Quill.
Rhomann Dey: Peter Jason Quill. He's also known as Star-Lord.
Nova Corps Officer: Who calls him that?
Rhomann Dey: Himself, mostly. Wanted mostly on charges of minor assault, public intoxication and fraud...
[Quill winds up his finger and flips the bird at the screen which reads: OBSCENE GESTURE ALERT]
Peter Quill: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how this machine works...
Gamora: I have lived most of my life surrounded by my enemies. I would be grateful to die surrounded by my friends.
Ronan: Citizens of Xandar, behold your guardians of the galaxy! What fruit have they wrought?
Peter Quill: [dances] Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh child, things will get brighter. You listen to these words. Ooh child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh child things'll get brighter. Then bring it down hard! Someday...
Ronan: What are you doing?
Peter Quill: Dance-off, bro. Me and you.
[holds out his hand for Gamora]
Peter Quill: Gamora.
[she shakes her head]
Peter Quill: Subtle, taking it back.
Ronan: What are you doing?
Peter Quill: I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom!
Rocket Raccoon: [to Groot] Quit smiling, ya idiot, you're supposed to be professional.
Meredith Quill: [letter] Dear Peter: I know this will be hard for you, but I'm going somewhere good and nice. But know this: I will always be with you, my angel from heaven, my prince... my Star-Lord.
Star-Lord: Here you go.
[Quill presents the prosthetic leg Rocket requested]
Rocket Raccoon: Oh, I was just kidding about the leg. I just need these two things.
Star-Lord: What?
Rocket Raccoon: [laughing] No, I thought it'd be funny! Was it funny? No, wait, what'd he look like hopping around?
Star-Lord: I had to transfer him 30,000 units!
Rocket Raccoon: [chittering laughter]
[Quill hands the Stone over to the Ravagers]
Peter Quill: [as they leave] He's going to be pissed when he finds out I switched out the orb on him.
Gamora: He's going to kill you, Peter.
Peter Quill: Oh I know. But he's about the only family I have.
Gamora: No... he wasn't.
Rocket Raccoon: I live for the simple things... like how much this is going to hurt!
[zaps Quill, who falls down yelling]
Rocket Raccoon: Yeah, writhe, little man.
[a brawl takes place between Drax and Rocket]
Drax the Destroyer: This vermin speaks of affairs he knows nothing about!
Rocket Raccoon: That is true!
Drax the Destroyer: He has no respect!
Rocket Raccoon: That is also true! Keep callin' me vermin tough guy, you just want to laugh at me like everyone else!
Peter Quill: Rocket, you're drunk, all right? No one's laughing at you.
Rocket Raccoon: [points at Drax] He thinks I'm some stupid thing! He does!
[starts to cry]
Rocket Raccoon: Well, I didn't ask to get made! I didn't ask to be torn apart and put back together over and over and turned into some little monster!
Peter Quill: Rocket, no one's calling you a monster...
Rocket Raccoon: He called me vermin! She called me rodent! Let's see if you can laugh after five or six good shots in your freakin' face!
[draws a gun]
Peter Quill: No no no! Four billion units! Rocket, come on man, suck it up for one more lousy night and we're rich.
Rocket Raccoon: Fine, but I can't promise when all of this is over I'm not going to kill every last one of you jerks.
Peter Quill: See, this is exactly why none of you have any friends!
[from trailer]
Peter Quill: So here we are: a thief, two thugs, an assassin and a maniac. But we're not going to stand by as evil wipes out the galaxy. I guess we're stuck together, partners.
Ronan: I only ask that you take this matter seriously.
Thanos: The only matter I do not take seriously, boy, is you. Your politics bore me! Your demeanor is that of a pouting child. And apparently you alienated my favorite daughter, Gamora. I shall honor our agreement, Kree, if you bring me the Orb. But return to me again empty handed and I will bathe the star-ways with your blood.
Nebula: Thanks, Dad. Sounds fair.
Rocket Raccoon: [scans a small child] Look at this thing. It thinks it's so cool. It's not cool to ask for help! Walk by yourself, you little gargoyle!
Nebula: Gamora, you've always been weak! You stupid, traitorous...
[Drax blasts Nebula]
Drax the Destroyer: No one talks to my friends like that.
Rocket Raccoon: [jumps on Groot who is fighting the sentry bots] You idiot! How am I supposed to fight these things without my stuff?
Drax the Destroyer: Creepy little beast!
[throws a machine gun to Rocket]
Rocket Raccoon: Oh yeah!
Peter Quill: [to Gamora] You're a good looking girl. You should try to be more nice to people.
Denarian Saal: [looking at Groot] What the hell?
Rhomann Dey: Groot: he's been travelling recently as Rocket's personal houseplant slash muscle.
Rocket Raccoon: [lands with his minepod on Knowhere next to Groot and Drax] Idiot, they're all idiots. Quill just got himself captured.
[yells at Drax]
Rocket Raccoon: None of this would've happened if you hadn't tried to take on an frickin' army!
Drax the Destroyer: You're right. I was a fool. All that anger. All that rage. It just covered my loss.
[Drax shamefully looks onto the ground]
Rocket Raccoon: [Rocket dumbly stares at Drax for a few seconds, then mocks him] "Aww, boo-hoo. My wife and child are dead."
[Groot gasps at Rocket's mockery]
Rocket Raccoon: I don't care if it's mean. Everybody's got dead people! But it makes no excuse to letting everyone else around get killed along the way!
Peter Quill: [spots a guard taking his headphones] HEY, HEY, HEY! That's mine! Hey, take those headphones off, right now!
[goes to face the guard, and gets zapped by a stun-rod]
Peter Quill: Hooked on a Feeling, Blue Swede! That song belongs to me!
[gets zapped again]
Peter Quill: [Yondu's robotic dart is pointing at him] If you kill me, you're gonna miss the biggest score you've ever seen.
Yondu Udonta: The Stone? I hope you gotta better idea 'cause no one ain't stealing from Ronan.
Peter Quill: We got a ringer.
[glances at Gamora]
Peter Quill: She knows everything there is about Ronan. His ship, how to get in...
Gamora: He's vulnerable.
Peter Quill: So whaddaya think? Me and you, taking down scores, just like old times?
[Yondu glares at Quill... then calls off his dart and hugs Quill]
Yondu Udonta: [laughs] You always had balls, son! That's why we kept you as a youngling!
Thanos: Boy, I would reconsider your current course!
Ronan: [wields the Infinity Stone] You call ME, boy? I will unfurl one thousand years of Kree justice on Xandar and burn it to its core! Then, Thanos, I'm coming for you!
Gamora: It's time we stand up for what is right.
Nebula: Ha.
Gamora: Your wife and child shall rest well, knowing that you have avenged them.
Drax the Destroyer: Yes. Of course Ronan was only a puppet. It's really Thanos that I need to kill.
Peter Quill: I come from Earth, a planet of outlaws. My name is Peter Quill. There's one other name you may know me by. Star-Lord.
Rocket Raccoon: [Rocket is scooping around with his goggles and spots Peter Quill] Okay, let's see how bad does someone want ya. Forty-thousand units? Groot, we're gonna be rich!
[Groot drinks from a fountain and doesn't pay attention]
Rocket Raccoon: Oh my...
Howard the Duck: [very last lines] Why'd ya have it lick you like that? Gross!
[Roman presents Quill with a rebuilt Milano]
Peter Quill: Thank you.
Rhomann Dey: I have a wife and child on Xandar. Thanks to you, they're still alive.
Rocket Raccoon: There's one more thing we need to complete the plan: that guy's eye!
[points at a Ravager with a cybernetic eye]
Peter Quill: No, no, no, we don't need that guy's eye!
Rocket Raccoon: No, seriously, I need it!
[snickers, and tries to hide it]
Rocket Raccoon: It's important to me...
Rocket Raccoon: [Rocket and Star-Lord are escaping in mine pods with Necrocrafts after them] We don't have any weapons!
Peter Quill: These are mine pods, they're nearly indestructible.
Rocket Raccoon: Not against Necroblasters they're not!
Peter Quill: That's not what I'm saying.
Rocket Raccoon: ...Oh.
[Rocket starts to ram the Necrocrafts]
Peter Quill: I was only a kid when I left Earth, and I had no idea what the universe had in store for me.
Peter Quill: If we're gonna work together you might wanna try trusting me a little bit.
Gamora: How much do you trust me?
Nova Prime Rael: Are you telling me that the fate of thirty million inhabitants is in the hands of these criminals?
Rhomann Dey: [from trailer] Drax: AKA the Destroyer. Since his wife and family were killed, he's been on a rampage across the galaxy in a search for vengeance.
Rhomann Dey: [from trailer] Rocket: wanted on over 50 charges of vehicular theft and escape from custody.
[Rocket snarls and spits at the screen]
The Collector: These carriers can use the stone to mow down entire civilisations like wheat in a field.
Peter Quill: There's a little pee coming out of me right now.
Rocket Raccoon: Let's get something clear! This one here is our booty. You wanna get to him, you go through us... or, more accurately, we go through you!
Gamora: Whatever nightmares the future holds are but dreams compared to what's behind me.
Rocket Raccoon: [scans an Xandarian citizen] Can you believe they call us criminals when he's assaulting us with that haircut?
Rhomann Dey: [from trailer] Gamora: soldier, assassin, wanted on over a dozen counts of murder.
Gamora: It's dangerous and illegal work, suitable only for outlaws.
Peter Quill: Well, I come from a planet of outlaws: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, John Stamos.
Ronan: Xandar, you stand accused! Your wretched peace treaty will not save you now. It is the tinder on which you burn.
Peter Quill: A lot of people has been trying to kill me over the years. I'm not going to be brought down by a tree and a talking raccoon.
Rocket Raccoon: Hold up! What's a raccoon?
Peter Quill: What's a raccoon? You stupid.
Rocket Raccoon: Ain't no thing like me, except me!
[Gun drones swarm around Groot]
Watchtower Guard: Prisoner, drop the device immediately and retreat to your cell, or we will open fire!
Groot: [roars] I... AM... GROOT!
Watchtower Guard: Fire!
Peter Quill: Oh you wanna talk about senseless? How about trying to save us by blowing us up?
Rocket Raccoon: We were only gonna blow you up if they didn't turn you over.
Peter Quill: And how on earth were they gonna turn us over when you only gave them a count of five?
Rocket Raccoon: Well we didn't have time to work out the minutiae of the plan.
[in the Broker's shop]
Yondu Udonta: [looks at toy dolls] Do you got any other cute little buggers like this one? I like to stick 'em all in a row on my control console.
Yondu Udonta: I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain't one.
Nebula: After Xandar, you're going to kill my father?
Ronan: You dare to oppose me?
Nebula: You see what he has turned me into? You kill him and I will help you destroy a thousand planets.
Rocket Raccoon: [over radio] Attention, idiots. The lunatic on top of this craft is holding a Hadron Enforcer, a weapon of my own design.
Yondu Udonta: What the hell?
Rocket Raccoon: If you don't hand over our companions now, he's gonna tear your ship a new one. A very *big* new one.
Ronan: With all due respect, Thanos, your daughter made this mess, and yet you summon ME?
The Other: I would lower my voice, Accuser!
Ronan: First, she lost a battle to some primitive...
The Other: Thanos had put Gamora under your charge!
Ronan: ...then she was apprehended by the Nova Corps...
The Other: You are the one, here, with nothing to show for him!
Ronan: Your sources say she was meant to betray us the whole time!
The Other: Lower your tone! Here you won't bring in your...
[Ronan kills the Other to shut him up]
Peter Quill: I saw you out there. I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't let you die. I found something inside of myself, something incredibly heroic. I mean, not to brag, but objectively...
Gamora: [sigh] Where's the orb?
Yondu Udonta: Remember, boy. At the end of all this, I get the stone. You cross me, we kill you all.
Nova Prime Rael: Ronan is destroying Xandarian outposts throughout the galaxy! I should think that would call for some slight response on the part of the Kree.
Kree Ambassador: We signed your peace treaty, Nova Prime. What more do you want?
Nova Prime Rael: At least a statement from the Kree Empire saying that they condemn his actions. He is slaughtering children, families!
Kree Ambassador: That is your business. Now, I have other matters to attend to.
[He cuts off the transmission]
Nova Prime Rael: Prick!
Gamora: This was my opportunity to get away from Thanos.
Gamora: Nebula! Sister, help us fight Ronan. You know he's crazy!
Nebula: I know you're both crazy!
Ronan: They call me terrorist, radical, zealot because I obey the ancient laws of my people, the Kree... and punish those who do not. Because I do not forgive your people for taking the life of my father, and his father, and his father before him. A thousand years of war between us will not be forgotten!
Drax the Destroyer: [getting drunk in a bar] Let us put more of this liquid into our bodies.
Gamora: We'll follow your lead.
The Collector: Carina, get away from that stone! CARINA!
Carina: I will no longer be your slave!
[grabs the stone and gets obliterated]
Bereet: Peter, what happened?
Peter Quill: Oh... hey, um...
[trying to figure out the name]
Bereet: Bereet!
Peter Quill: Bereet. I'm gonna be totally honest, I forgot you were here.
[first lines]
Grandpa: Peter. Your momma wants to speak with you. Come on, Pete, take these fool things off.
[takes headphones]
Drax the Destroyer: Are you not the man this wench attempted to kill?
Peter Quill: Well, I mean, she's hardly the first woman to try and do that to me.
[shows a scar]
Peter Quill: Look, this is from a smoking-hot Rajak girl. Stabbed me with a fork. Didn't like me skipping out on her at sunrise. I got, right here, a Kree girl tried to rip out my thorax. She caught me with this skinny little A'askavariian who worked in Nova Records. I was trying to get information. You ever see an A'askavariian? They have tentacles, and needles for teeth. If you think I'm seriously interested in that, then... You don't care. But here's the point.
Rhomann Dey: I have a family who are alive because of you. Your criminal records have also been expunged. However, I have to warn you against breaking any laws in the future.
Rocket Raccoon: Question. What if I see something that I want to take, and it belongs to someone else?
Rhomann Dey: Well you will be arrested.
Rocket Raccoon: But what if I want it more than the person who has it?
Rhomann Dey: Still illegal.
Rocket Raccoon: That doesn't follow. No, I want it more, sir. Do you understand?
[to Gamora who's laughing]
Rocket Raccoon: What are you laughing at? Why? I can't have a discussion with this gentleman?
Drax the Destroyer: What if someone does something irksome and I decide to remove his spine?
Rhomann Dey: That's... that's actually murder. It's one of the worst crimes of all, so also illegal.
Drax the Destroyer: Hmm.
Korath the Pursuer: You don't look like a junker. You're wearing Ravager garb.
Peter Quill: This is just an outfit, man.
[to Korath's henchmen who keep prodding him]
Peter Quill: Ninja Turtle, you better stop poking me.
Gamora: [regarding Yondu] Why is this one here?
Peter Quill: We promised him he could stay by your side until he kills your boss. I always keep my promises when they're to muscle-bound whack-jobs who will kill me if I don't.
Yondu Udonta: When I picked you up as a kid, these boys wanted to eat you. They ain't never tasted Terran before. I saved your life!
Peter Quill: Oh, will you shut up about that? God! Twenty years, you've been throwing that in my face, like it's some great thing, not eating me! Normal people don't even think about eating someone else! Much less that person having to be grateful for it! You abducted me, man. You stole me from my home and from my family.
The Collector: Once, for a moment, a group was able to share the energy amongst themselves, but even they were quickly destroyed by it. Beautiful. Beyond compare.
Rocket Raccoon: Blah, blah, blah. We're all very fascinated, whitey. But we'd like to get paid.
Nebula: Seal all security doors!
[shouts orders in native language, then storms out]
Nebula: Get out of my way!
Rocket Raccoon: They crumpled my pants up into a ball. That's rude! They folded yours.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2015381/quotes/qt2214593
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